Clumsy

Stupid first pangs of infatuation. I've met someone, I was going along fine when I thought he only wanted to be friends. But I have this . . . just intense attraction to him, I can't explain it. I've more or less confessed this to him - but he kind of avoided answering in return, although implied he might be interested too! I hope so.

I can't stop thinking about him, and I feel heartsick about the whole thing. Blarg!

Bask falcons

Nothing in this life is supposed to go well for me I think. For the first time in awhile I'm really happy and excited about something, so naturally I sit around stressing and reeling in panic attacks that something is wrong. Just like that I've made a big fool of myself or something. I dispair about it so much during the day my chest hurts and I get all wheezy and then I go and lock my keys in the car!

Then I find out things are cool and chill as all that worry was over nothing and then I sob because why can't I just be happy?! I'm trying to be, trying so hard to be cool 8l

I'm going to hit my head into my desk a few times now and slide under it for comfort!

"I never knew loneliness until I met you. The pain of being alone, the fear of losing you."

Blah

I'm so sad. :(

I don't get references.

I am a fairly idiotic and anxious person. Every now and then I get it into my head that it would be a great idea to be social and have a lot of friends. 

The problem is, I'm too idiotic to know how to be a real friend, and extremely anxious about it. For example, when I tried to be friends with Ana, nee, crystal, and pickle - everytime I thought something went wrong I started talking super fast in hopes of fixing the problem. If you know me, then you know how badly that blew up. 

When I started dating miles I tried to befriend his friends. I chose to talk as little as possible so I wouldn't reveal how stupid I am. Then I became crazy anxious about how much they liked me and turned that whole mess into a giant drama stink pot. 

My dear friends Kim and Alexandra are the two who I think accept me for my anxieties and the fact that I'm too stupid to know what to say or do. I love them for that. I just wish I didn't talk their ears off about stupid things. 

This wonderful girl Angela has been my friend for almost 2 years now and I am writing this because I am feeling like I need to run from this friendship. My many failed attempts at friendship has put me in a place of feeling like I am ruining my attempt at being a better friend in regards to her. Why not just stop? Because I get so anxious I keep tumbling down despite my own advice to myself. I had been drinking last night and got really sad she was leaving to go see her guy. I didn't want her to go and was a real jerk about it. I have been freaking out about my behavior ever since. Since she never replied to my apology I have been having constant anxiety attacks that I ruined  our friendship. I want to run away. I want to unfriend her and all of her friends from Facebook and hide under the bed. But I also don't want too. I tried to talk to her brother just ... Because last night and he made a reference and I didn't get it and now I fear he also hates me. I'm not as cool as he thought now, you know? But here I am freaking out and feeling like I was better off just sitting alone in my room with my books... 

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Ended it with Miles today.

It's so hard. I love him, but I feel like I tried everything. I just wanted him to get a job or keep the house clean or something . . . Something to prove he cared. I feel dried up and used - my eyes burn like I've been crying for hours but only a few tears manage to actually escape.

It's hard losing someone you love so much.

The last conversation you'll ever have

Today was just a mess for me.

I had a breakdown about my situation with Miles and called my mom and blubbered on the phone to her about it.

Then I had a big muck up with Chris.

And then my dear friend John told me that this may be the last time we ever talk. He has Hodgkin's lymphoma and was given an end date of last October. He's still with us but he's lost the vision in one eye now and has to go in for surgery on the other one tomorrow. He doesn't think he'll be able to see at all when it's over. I asked if he will still call and he said he will so that is something. But I don't know that he will you know. It's scary. The last text he sent me was: "I would name you Simmu, it means twice beautiful."  I don't know. I'm scared. He's a dear friend, I hope all goes well for him tomorrow, better than expected.

Sometimes

The right answer is always there, staring you in the face for years. I think mine has and I've made every excuse in the book to ignore it. If I had ever just said ok... So much pain could have been avoided. Now here i am staring down a long road of upset yet to come. My heart has made the decisions but my brain can't let do what I need to be doing. I'm in a mess and I don't know how, or am too scared, to get out. Feeling this way - I cry every night now, or when I have a moment alone. [ usually only at night]

I understand how Anthony felt when he asked me to run away and live with him and to do it that minute. I couldn't say yes and he said he was too tired and impatient to wait. I feel like... I know what I really want, and am now too impatient to live through it. I just want it to be. I'm scared of all the things it will take to make it all happen, too scared of the chance ill give up so much for it to never work out. 

Pants on fire

The amount of things miles has taken to lying to me about is getting to be ridiculous. I can't even get pissed off anymore because now its just stupid. 

He often lies about where he is, what he spent his money on, if a bill got paid... Lately he's added in that he lies about taking duchess out to pee- or doing the chores. Today I called him at 2 to remind him to be here to pick me up at 2:30 and he said he was on his way but that the traffic is terrible. At 2:30 I called again and he'd only gone about 2 miles saying the traffic  is still horrible. Traffic cam revealed a whole 4 cars on the highway. And so he fesses up that he'd just been running late.

I just don't get why he lies about all these stupid little things. Is it some sort of disorder? I don't know. It's just getting to be something I laugh about at this point though.

Stuffed up with a can of misery

A cold in the summer. I have never had one that I can remember. It sucks more than winter colds. I hate it. Nose get better! Going on a week and unfortunately I seem to just be getting a new symptom every day.

I recently went to Portland and hung out with my very dear friend Chris. We had a pretty good time, I dislike his new facial hair. But he thinks it's cool so . . . that's that.

When I got home from my trip, Miles was supposed to have cleaned up. Especially since he's been out of a job for two months now, cleaning up for one weekend - not that big of a deal - really nice thing to do for person paying all your expenses. He says he did some dishes, but there were still a few in the sink. I ran into our room and started sobbing. I feel like such a baby but I couldn't take it. I couldn't handle the fact he met all of my expectations. He won't even apply anywhere either. My dad has been trying to get him a job at sprint and all Miles had to do today was fill out an application. He told me he was, and he had the computer turned away and head phones on - supposedly listening to music will doing the app. I got up to come over and give him a hug before going to take a bath and he was just goofing off on skype with his friends like always. I got upset and called him out on it and he just yelled back at me in this super whiny voice, "i know!"

It's come down to this point where . . . I am thinking of terminating the lease and moving in with my parents. I don't know which one, but one of them. Then I could pay off my credit card bill and move anywhere else and get away from all of this. I honestly . . . don't even feel sad about it anymore. I did and that's what has held me back but now I am pissed off and hating my circumstances. If this boy clearly cared about me like he says he does - he'd have done something. He "cleaned" the living room today. Know what that means? He ran the vaccuum cleaner and left the bowl, clothes, game cases, etc. still sitting all over the floor. I know I am the terrible bad guy - always getting on his back - nagging him to do stuff when he is so BUSY playing video games with his friends - but come on, grow up. I know, I haven't helped around the house lately. I've been working as much as I can, went on my trip, and now I'm sick. I sit here and stare at the mess and cry because I want to come home to a clean house and if I clean it up, he's just going to throw shit everywhere and then I'll follow suit because what is the point.

Anthony told me I will never do what is best for me, that I don't want to be happy. But he wanted me to ditch everything and go live with him in Caldwell. I already know he doesn't make me happy, why would I do such a thing? I can't just change everything in one day though either. I've tried that and it never works. So why do I keep putting up with this guy? Well. Because he used to be this guy who had some sort of ambition and drive to do something. He used to treat me like he cared about me and helped me, asked me to do things with him, did more than wait on his friend's every word. Now it's like I'm just a nuisance that's bothering him but the second I try to tell him I'm upset he throws on these blinders and ignores me until he finds a place to interject how much he loves me, and how he can't lose me. I feel like we'll come away from these fights with him making an honest effort and in return I will have the energy to make one back. I promised if he invited me to his friend's place I would go. He hasn't. I asked him to do chores while he is out of the job, he does maybe one in a day if it's a lucky day for me. His excuse on why he didn't clean the house when I was gone? "I wasn't home." - Because he was at Beau's getting high as a kite and drunk as a sailor and not caring about a damn cotton pickin thing.

I wish he would realize what's important to him and go live with Beau and float around over there. I think he needs a really swift kick in the ass. He's just waiting for me to do it, inviting me I'm sure. I know I'm so over this relationship but I keep thinking he'll get better. Why do I think this way? I know it's not true. I remember the days when I had people who'd just come over and grab my hand and drag me around until I did it. Can't be like that anymore and now I'm just hesitating because I am so afraid of change. I feel like "well if Miles isn't here, how will I pay the bills?" You know honestly - I will have so much more money without him. And yet I'm going to walk away from this knowing I won't say a word about this to him, I'll just keep waiting and trying to nudge him into being responsible. And then, at the end of the month, when he lets me down again, I'll call and terminate the lease and move out.

Rain

I left miles today. I couldn't take how he made me feel. He blew me off all day, made no move to find a new job... Just dicked off with his friends like every other day. I left at one point to get my wallet and when I got back home, he just ignored me and didnt care about my feelings. His friends were still more important- he was skyping them.

I guess all the emotions I've been suppressing welled up and I lost my cool.  The anger I have suppressed flew and I took duchess (who he lied about taking out to pee) and got in the car and left. Now it's 1am and I can't sleep and really... I just want to go home. If he would say anything to me we would talk and hopefully I could go home but he's ignored me- ignored that I left- and is most likely just playing his game with his friends. I guess breaking up was the only real option then. 

It's so hard to do. I planned my life with him and he just took me for granted. Put drugs and video games ahead of me. I long to go home and to sleep in my own bed but every time the depression rears up and I think about things a thread of anger seeps in and I stay here. Laying on my moms bed with my dog at my feet- praying for sleep but unable. Checking my phone constantly.

My heart says it is over, my heart says he's already moved on. Or never cared.

Hard knocks

It's tough listening to your bf tell you that you don't have any friends. No I don't see mine very often but I do have people I consider to be my friends. My best friend, is him. The person I want to spend most of my time with. I am content and happy to spend my evenings at home with miles - not doing anything too important. But his best friend says "come over" and he jumps through hoops to get there. He goes to that guys house every single day unless I beg him to spend time with me. 

I'm at a point in my life where I don't need to have a friend around all the time to be comfortable with myself. I'm happy to see my friends now and then but otherwise I am content and happy to spend the rest of my time alone or with miles. I think he should be worried if I didn't ever want to be home with him because I was preferring the company of others on a daily basis. Sometimes I get spiteful and think about doing that just to see if he even notices.i honestly don't think he would. He's my boyfriend you know, I feel like he should want to see me more than he would his friends. If he only wants to spend time with me once a week or so - what are we doing dating?? 

I'm not saying I want him around ALL the time. I just want to feel like its not a competition between Beau and myself for Miles attention. He didn't believe me when I told him he goes over there 6 out of 7 days a week. I am going to start making a log. He wonders why I get angry he's not looking for jobs- how can he when he's oggling Beau Every day? He told me I could go over with him but then when I did- he told me I just embarrassed him the whole time. Sorry miles, I did not mean to interrupt your time with your boyfriend. (Sorry I am being spiteful).

Anyway the point was. Miles is my friend who I tend to want to spend my time with. He is my Beau. But Miles spends time with me only because he is obligated to so that I don't break up with him (his words not mine. He said them during a fight one time.)

But I don't even like spending time with miles anymore. He is boring. He stays home and plays eve or Starcraft with beau and never asks what we should do together. Never asks me to go to the park, never asks to watch a movie together or to go hiking or anything! If we're going to do something together, I have to thjnk it up and then wait for his "mission" with beau to be over. 

So I guess my relationship is more like one of roommates. Miles is my roommate who I have a crush on and will admire from afar while he is a single man hanging out with his bros. 

I guess I do need to find a friend who will spend every day with me so I have something to do besides another persons laundry and going to work. 

I shouldn't have to beg miles to spend the weekend with me instead of his friend. It's stupid. 

Sometimes

Running away sounds better than facing your problems, simply because you don't know how too.

:,(

Why does this always have to go wrong? I don't feel like I will be able to handle it as well this time. I let myself get such high hopes.

Put a spell on you

Sometimes I feel like somebody has put a curse on me. Like, my body doesn't want to gain too much weight and when it thinks it is- it dispels whatever it thinks is causing it.

/depressed.

Just An Update

Moving out of our little house :( I will really miss it!

The owner wants to sell it, nothing you can do about that you know? Everyone says "buy it buy it!" It's like "hellooo I have no money saved! How do you expect me to buy it?" Even with full financing I have to have worked 30 days full time - and Miles credit is so bad it just doesn't matter for him.

But with this new place [which is supposedly haunted] I should be alright for a year. I'm alright with the fact it could be haunted - I always wanted to be a parapsychologist and I will get to practice my skills!

Convincing Miles to smoke out on the street though will be a tough one :(

Disapointed

Today is supposed to be a happy day. It is miles and my one year anniversary. A year ago today we were at his apartment and I asked if we were a couple yet and he finally said yes.

But today is not happy. It's barely begun and I'm already crying. Miles refused to get up and go to work today, I told him if he loses his job I'm leaving him. I don't want to, I don't want to be put in that place. But I don't see any other way to make him realize we live in a house we can only afford on his salary. And I don't want to lose it before we've even unfinished packing. He thinks if he swears on the phone hell get fired and can collect unemployment. Like it's no big deal.

Ill leave him if he fucks me over again. This would be the second time. I don't love my job any more than he does but I keep going because I have to. Somebody has to be responsible around here. I feel like ill drop out of college one semester before graduating just to get a full time job and save our asses since he can't seem to do that.

I don't think I can emotionally handle losing this place.

But I've been growing so resentful towards miles... I hate myself for it, but I can't seem to stop.

Today was supposed to be a happy day, but now were fighting. An hour late for work I finally got him to get up and go out the door. He slammed it. I hate myself for thinking if he came home with flowers I'd forgive him. I know he won't, he never has. He never will.

So I'm sitting here crying, looking bleakly at the loss of my future life I planned with him. Unable to celebrate the joy of making it to a year, despite our ups and downs. Remorseful that this would be my 6th month pregnant if I hadn't lost the baby, but kind of glad since clearly miles is not stepping up as the potential father I thought him to be.

Amazing how somebody can change so much in a year that feels like it flew by so quickly.

Trouble sleeping

I can't seem to get to sleep tonight. I normally sleep to the sounds of the tv but miles complains so much about it I have the volume down to 3. As such I can't hear it enough. My mind keeps wandering, nothing to distract myself.

I find myself dwelling on those thoughts I most dread having, thinking of those last days with Garrett. I wonder why my mind always goes back to that. Why can't anything else be front and center? Why must I play it over and over again, as if I could do something different? Then I think of the good times when we first met. My heart breaks. I hate those memories more than anything. I hate thinking of that night I got so drunk and depressed my thoughts went to very dark places. When I felt so broken I didn't know what to do with myself and I spent the next few days laying there and crying.

Then I open my eyes and see the sleeping form of miles, his rumpled shirt and hair everywhere... I snuggle up tighter to him and wish he was awake and could let me think of something better. I only think about that stuff at night, when the tv isn't loud enough, when I can't run away from it anymore.

I like to think my life has really improved in a year, that I am much stronger. But really I think I'm still broken. I have a good man that tries his best to make me happy, who loves me and I love. But whatever broke that day, I don't think it ever fixed. I can trust again as well as I could before anyway, and no longer wake up every night to make sure miles is there, but something is certainly gone. I don't know what it is, I don't know how to get it back.

I know I am not the same girl that lived with jet and new how to laugh and have fun and be adventurous. I used to want to be out living all the time, now I am happy to hide in my house all day alone. I almost dread making plans to go do things now. I don't like it, but its where I am. How did I ever have the energy to go out every day before?

I wish I could sleep with the tv off, I wish I didn't think about such silly things when it is. I want to get some sleep.

A day unlike any other

There are days that you wake up and think, "nothing very special is going to happen today." But then, while browsing through facebook you just happen to see a post that really catches your eye. You immediately learn something that fills you with hope and happiness and a light you can't explain. Your hero, your idol, the man who wrote songs you found yourself singing in the shower some mornings - the man whose last blog update was his excitement to voice a fish on spongebob - has released a new song, and a new album. The first one in ten years.

Why hadn't I heard anything about it until today, it's been out for five! Well, because he did it secretly. No build up or media hype, just -- there it is. And it's already in the top UK charts. Never mind that he's living in New York.

I found myself giddy and raced to google to search for "David Bowie, Where are we now?"

The video was beautiful. It made me choked up and gave me an intense desire to cry. If I wasn't poor I'd be purchasing the album on iTunes right this minute. The song is so sad and melancholic, Bowie looks as if he's going to cry the entire song. I wanted to commit the entire song to memory.

This is a great day for me, since I first realized who David Bowie was - and being that he's getting to be rather old, I never thought I would live to experience a day like this, to feel the joy at my musical hero releasing a song. I imagine it's what it would feel like if the Beatles were all alive and happened to get together to put a little number out there. The fact Bowie's voice has aged and it can be heard in his singing, means little. It just adds a maturity to the song a feeling of, "I know."

Raggle fraggle

I'm so stressed out and disappointed I ended up screaming at miles over the stupidest thing today. I feel terrible about it, don't feel like I can apologize enough.

And now he's told me rent didn't go through because he took too much money out of his account so our rent payment bounced. I feel like I could cry. I hate having this intense need to be responsible and pay bills on time, and my inability to to understand miles and why he doesn't have the money in the account that he told me he would have. I'm trying to be trusting and let him use his account but its so hard for me, especially now that this happened.