Disapointed

Today is supposed to be a happy day. It is miles and my one year anniversary. A year ago today we were at his apartment and I asked if we were a couple yet and he finally said yes.

But today is not happy. It's barely begun and I'm already crying. Miles refused to get up and go to work today, I told him if he loses his job I'm leaving him. I don't want to, I don't want to be put in that place. But I don't see any other way to make him realize we live in a house we can only afford on his salary. And I don't want to lose it before we've even unfinished packing. He thinks if he swears on the phone hell get fired and can collect unemployment. Like it's no big deal.

Ill leave him if he fucks me over again. This would be the second time. I don't love my job any more than he does but I keep going because I have to. Somebody has to be responsible around here. I feel like ill drop out of college one semester before graduating just to get a full time job and save our asses since he can't seem to do that.

I don't think I can emotionally handle losing this place.

But I've been growing so resentful towards miles... I hate myself for it, but I can't seem to stop.

Today was supposed to be a happy day, but now were fighting. An hour late for work I finally got him to get up and go out the door. He slammed it. I hate myself for thinking if he came home with flowers I'd forgive him. I know he won't, he never has. He never will.

So I'm sitting here crying, looking bleakly at the loss of my future life I planned with him. Unable to celebrate the joy of making it to a year, despite our ups and downs. Remorseful that this would be my 6th month pregnant if I hadn't lost the baby, but kind of glad since clearly miles is not stepping up as the potential father I thought him to be.

Amazing how somebody can change so much in a year that feels like it flew by so quickly.