A cold in the summer. I have never had one that I can remember. It sucks more than winter colds. I hate it. Nose get better! Going on a week and unfortunately I seem to just be getting a new symptom every day.
I recently went to Portland and hung out with my very dear friend Chris. We had a pretty good time, I dislike his new facial hair. But he thinks it's cool so . . . that's that.
When I got home from my trip, Miles was supposed to have cleaned up. Especially since he's been out of a job for two months now, cleaning up for one weekend - not that big of a deal - really nice thing to do for person paying all your expenses. He says he did some dishes, but there were still a few in the sink. I ran into our room and started sobbing. I feel like such a baby but I couldn't take it. I couldn't handle the fact he met all of my expectations. He won't even apply anywhere either. My dad has been trying to get him a job at sprint and all Miles had to do today was fill out an application. He told me he was, and he had the computer turned away and head phones on - supposedly listening to music will doing the app. I got up to come over and give him a hug before going to take a bath and he was just goofing off on skype with his friends like always. I got upset and called him out on it and he just yelled back at me in this super whiny voice, "i know!"
It's come down to this point where . . . I am thinking of terminating the lease and moving in with my parents. I don't know which one, but one of them. Then I could pay off my credit card bill and move anywhere else and get away from all of this. I honestly . . . don't even feel sad about it anymore. I did and that's what has held me back but now I am pissed off and hating my circumstances. If this boy clearly cared about me like he says he does - he'd have done something. He "cleaned" the living room today. Know what that means? He ran the vaccuum cleaner and left the bowl, clothes, game cases, etc. still sitting all over the floor. I know I am the terrible bad guy - always getting on his back - nagging him to do stuff when he is so BUSY playing video games with his friends - but come on, grow up. I know, I haven't helped around the house lately. I've been working as much as I can, went on my trip, and now I'm sick. I sit here and stare at the mess and cry because I want to come home to a clean house and if I clean it up, he's just going to throw shit everywhere and then I'll follow suit because what is the point.
Anthony told me I will never do what is best for me, that I don't want to be happy. But he wanted me to ditch everything and go live with him in Caldwell. I already know he doesn't make me happy, why would I do such a thing? I can't just change everything in one day though either. I've tried that and it never works. So why do I keep putting up with this guy? Well. Because he used to be this guy who had some sort of ambition and drive to do something. He used to treat me like he cared about me and helped me, asked me to do things with him, did more than wait on his friend's every word. Now it's like I'm just a nuisance that's bothering him but the second I try to tell him I'm upset he throws on these blinders and ignores me until he finds a place to interject how much he loves me, and how he can't lose me. I feel like we'll come away from these fights with him making an honest effort and in return I will have the energy to make one back. I promised if he invited me to his friend's place I would go. He hasn't. I asked him to do chores while he is out of the job, he does maybe one in a day if it's a lucky day for me. His excuse on why he didn't clean the house when I was gone? "I wasn't home." - Because he was at Beau's getting high as a kite and drunk as a sailor and not caring about a damn cotton pickin thing.
I wish he would realize what's important to him and go live with Beau and float around over there. I think he needs a really swift kick in the ass. He's just waiting for me to do it, inviting me I'm sure. I know I'm so over this relationship but I keep thinking he'll get better. Why do I think this way? I know it's not true. I remember the days when I had people who'd just come over and grab my hand and drag me around until I did it. Can't be like that anymore and now I'm just hesitating because I am so afraid of change. I feel like "well if Miles isn't here, how will I pay the bills?" You know honestly - I will have so much more money without him. And yet I'm going to walk away from this knowing I won't say a word about this to him, I'll just keep waiting and trying to nudge him into being responsible. And then, at the end of the month, when he lets me down again, I'll call and terminate the lease and move out.
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