Trouble sleeping

I can't seem to get to sleep tonight. I normally sleep to the sounds of the tv but miles complains so much about it I have the volume down to 3. As such I can't hear it enough. My mind keeps wandering, nothing to distract myself.

I find myself dwelling on those thoughts I most dread having, thinking of those last days with Garrett. I wonder why my mind always goes back to that. Why can't anything else be front and center? Why must I play it over and over again, as if I could do something different? Then I think of the good times when we first met. My heart breaks. I hate those memories more than anything. I hate thinking of that night I got so drunk and depressed my thoughts went to very dark places. When I felt so broken I didn't know what to do with myself and I spent the next few days laying there and crying.

Then I open my eyes and see the sleeping form of miles, his rumpled shirt and hair everywhere... I snuggle up tighter to him and wish he was awake and could let me think of something better. I only think about that stuff at night, when the tv isn't loud enough, when I can't run away from it anymore.

I like to think my life has really improved in a year, that I am much stronger. But really I think I'm still broken. I have a good man that tries his best to make me happy, who loves me and I love. But whatever broke that day, I don't think it ever fixed. I can trust again as well as I could before anyway, and no longer wake up every night to make sure miles is there, but something is certainly gone. I don't know what it is, I don't know how to get it back.

I know I am not the same girl that lived with jet and new how to laugh and have fun and be adventurous. I used to want to be out living all the time, now I am happy to hide in my house all day alone. I almost dread making plans to go do things now. I don't like it, but its where I am. How did I ever have the energy to go out every day before?

I wish I could sleep with the tv off, I wish I didn't think about such silly things when it is. I want to get some sleep.