Ended it with Miles today.
It's so hard. I love him, but I feel like I tried everything. I just wanted him to get a job or keep the house clean or something . . . Something to prove he cared. I feel dried up and used - my eyes burn like I've been crying for hours but only a few tears manage to actually escape.
It's hard losing someone you love so much.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
The last conversation you'll ever have
Today was just a mess for me.
I had a breakdown about my situation with Miles and called my mom and blubbered on the phone to her about it.
Then I had a big muck up with Chris.
And then my dear friend John told me that this may be the last time we ever talk. He has Hodgkin's lymphoma and was given an end date of last October. He's still with us but he's lost the vision in one eye now and has to go in for surgery on the other one tomorrow. He doesn't think he'll be able to see at all when it's over. I asked if he will still call and he said he will so that is something. But I don't know that he will you know. It's scary. The last text he sent me was: "I would name you Simmu, it means twice beautiful." I don't know. I'm scared. He's a dear friend, I hope all goes well for him tomorrow, better than expected.
I had a breakdown about my situation with Miles and called my mom and blubbered on the phone to her about it.
Then I had a big muck up with Chris.
And then my dear friend John told me that this may be the last time we ever talk. He has Hodgkin's lymphoma and was given an end date of last October. He's still with us but he's lost the vision in one eye now and has to go in for surgery on the other one tomorrow. He doesn't think he'll be able to see at all when it's over. I asked if he will still call and he said he will so that is something. But I don't know that he will you know. It's scary. The last text he sent me was: "I would name you Simmu, it means twice beautiful." I don't know. I'm scared. He's a dear friend, I hope all goes well for him tomorrow, better than expected.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Sometimes
The right answer is always there, staring you in the face for years. I think mine has and I've made every excuse in the book to ignore it. If I had ever just said ok... So much pain could have been avoided. Now here i am staring down a long road of upset yet to come. My heart has made the decisions but my brain can't let do what I need to be doing. I'm in a mess and I don't know how, or am too scared, to get out. Feeling this way - I cry every night now, or when I have a moment alone. [ usually only at night]
I understand how Anthony felt when he asked me to run away and live with him and to do it that minute. I couldn't say yes and he said he was too tired and impatient to wait. I feel like... I know what I really want, and am now too impatient to live through it. I just want it to be. I'm scared of all the things it will take to make it all happen, too scared of the chance ill give up so much for it to never work out.
Friday, July 12, 2013
Pants on fire
The amount of things miles has taken to lying to me about is getting to be ridiculous. I can't even get pissed off anymore because now its just stupid.
He often lies about where he is, what he spent his money on, if a bill got paid... Lately he's added in that he lies about taking duchess out to pee- or doing the chores. Today I called him at 2 to remind him to be here to pick me up at 2:30 and he said he was on his way but that the traffic is terrible. At 2:30 I called again and he'd only gone about 2 miles saying the traffic is still horrible. Traffic cam revealed a whole 4 cars on the highway. And so he fesses up that he'd just been running late.
I just don't get why he lies about all these stupid little things. Is it some sort of disorder? I don't know. It's just getting to be something I laugh about at this point though.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Stuffed up with a can of misery
A cold in the summer. I have never had one that I can remember. It sucks more than winter colds. I hate it. Nose get better! Going on a week and unfortunately I seem to just be getting a new symptom every day.
I recently went to Portland and hung out with my very dear friend Chris. We had a pretty good time, I dislike his new facial hair. But he thinks it's cool so . . . that's that.
When I got home from my trip, Miles was supposed to have cleaned up. Especially since he's been out of a job for two months now, cleaning up for one weekend - not that big of a deal - really nice thing to do for person paying all your expenses. He says he did some dishes, but there were still a few in the sink. I ran into our room and started sobbing. I feel like such a baby but I couldn't take it. I couldn't handle the fact he met all of my expectations. He won't even apply anywhere either. My dad has been trying to get him a job at sprint and all Miles had to do today was fill out an application. He told me he was, and he had the computer turned away and head phones on - supposedly listening to music will doing the app. I got up to come over and give him a hug before going to take a bath and he was just goofing off on skype with his friends like always. I got upset and called him out on it and he just yelled back at me in this super whiny voice, "i know!"
It's come down to this point where . . . I am thinking of terminating the lease and moving in with my parents. I don't know which one, but one of them. Then I could pay off my credit card bill and move anywhere else and get away from all of this. I honestly . . . don't even feel sad about it anymore. I did and that's what has held me back but now I am pissed off and hating my circumstances. If this boy clearly cared about me like he says he does - he'd have done something. He "cleaned" the living room today. Know what that means? He ran the vaccuum cleaner and left the bowl, clothes, game cases, etc. still sitting all over the floor. I know I am the terrible bad guy - always getting on his back - nagging him to do stuff when he is so BUSY playing video games with his friends - but come on, grow up. I know, I haven't helped around the house lately. I've been working as much as I can, went on my trip, and now I'm sick. I sit here and stare at the mess and cry because I want to come home to a clean house and if I clean it up, he's just going to throw shit everywhere and then I'll follow suit because what is the point.
Anthony told me I will never do what is best for me, that I don't want to be happy. But he wanted me to ditch everything and go live with him in Caldwell. I already know he doesn't make me happy, why would I do such a thing? I can't just change everything in one day though either. I've tried that and it never works. So why do I keep putting up with this guy? Well. Because he used to be this guy who had some sort of ambition and drive to do something. He used to treat me like he cared about me and helped me, asked me to do things with him, did more than wait on his friend's every word. Now it's like I'm just a nuisance that's bothering him but the second I try to tell him I'm upset he throws on these blinders and ignores me until he finds a place to interject how much he loves me, and how he can't lose me. I feel like we'll come away from these fights with him making an honest effort and in return I will have the energy to make one back. I promised if he invited me to his friend's place I would go. He hasn't. I asked him to do chores while he is out of the job, he does maybe one in a day if it's a lucky day for me. His excuse on why he didn't clean the house when I was gone? "I wasn't home." - Because he was at Beau's getting high as a kite and drunk as a sailor and not caring about a damn cotton pickin thing.
I wish he would realize what's important to him and go live with Beau and float around over there. I think he needs a really swift kick in the ass. He's just waiting for me to do it, inviting me I'm sure. I know I'm so over this relationship but I keep thinking he'll get better. Why do I think this way? I know it's not true. I remember the days when I had people who'd just come over and grab my hand and drag me around until I did it. Can't be like that anymore and now I'm just hesitating because I am so afraid of change. I feel like "well if Miles isn't here, how will I pay the bills?" You know honestly - I will have so much more money without him. And yet I'm going to walk away from this knowing I won't say a word about this to him, I'll just keep waiting and trying to nudge him into being responsible. And then, at the end of the month, when he lets me down again, I'll call and terminate the lease and move out.
I recently went to Portland and hung out with my very dear friend Chris. We had a pretty good time, I dislike his new facial hair. But he thinks it's cool so . . . that's that.
When I got home from my trip, Miles was supposed to have cleaned up. Especially since he's been out of a job for two months now, cleaning up for one weekend - not that big of a deal - really nice thing to do for person paying all your expenses. He says he did some dishes, but there were still a few in the sink. I ran into our room and started sobbing. I feel like such a baby but I couldn't take it. I couldn't handle the fact he met all of my expectations. He won't even apply anywhere either. My dad has been trying to get him a job at sprint and all Miles had to do today was fill out an application. He told me he was, and he had the computer turned away and head phones on - supposedly listening to music will doing the app. I got up to come over and give him a hug before going to take a bath and he was just goofing off on skype with his friends like always. I got upset and called him out on it and he just yelled back at me in this super whiny voice, "i know!"
It's come down to this point where . . . I am thinking of terminating the lease and moving in with my parents. I don't know which one, but one of them. Then I could pay off my credit card bill and move anywhere else and get away from all of this. I honestly . . . don't even feel sad about it anymore. I did and that's what has held me back but now I am pissed off and hating my circumstances. If this boy clearly cared about me like he says he does - he'd have done something. He "cleaned" the living room today. Know what that means? He ran the vaccuum cleaner and left the bowl, clothes, game cases, etc. still sitting all over the floor. I know I am the terrible bad guy - always getting on his back - nagging him to do stuff when he is so BUSY playing video games with his friends - but come on, grow up. I know, I haven't helped around the house lately. I've been working as much as I can, went on my trip, and now I'm sick. I sit here and stare at the mess and cry because I want to come home to a clean house and if I clean it up, he's just going to throw shit everywhere and then I'll follow suit because what is the point.
Anthony told me I will never do what is best for me, that I don't want to be happy. But he wanted me to ditch everything and go live with him in Caldwell. I already know he doesn't make me happy, why would I do such a thing? I can't just change everything in one day though either. I've tried that and it never works. So why do I keep putting up with this guy? Well. Because he used to be this guy who had some sort of ambition and drive to do something. He used to treat me like he cared about me and helped me, asked me to do things with him, did more than wait on his friend's every word. Now it's like I'm just a nuisance that's bothering him but the second I try to tell him I'm upset he throws on these blinders and ignores me until he finds a place to interject how much he loves me, and how he can't lose me. I feel like we'll come away from these fights with him making an honest effort and in return I will have the energy to make one back. I promised if he invited me to his friend's place I would go. He hasn't. I asked him to do chores while he is out of the job, he does maybe one in a day if it's a lucky day for me. His excuse on why he didn't clean the house when I was gone? "I wasn't home." - Because he was at Beau's getting high as a kite and drunk as a sailor and not caring about a damn cotton pickin thing.
I wish he would realize what's important to him and go live with Beau and float around over there. I think he needs a really swift kick in the ass. He's just waiting for me to do it, inviting me I'm sure. I know I'm so over this relationship but I keep thinking he'll get better. Why do I think this way? I know it's not true. I remember the days when I had people who'd just come over and grab my hand and drag me around until I did it. Can't be like that anymore and now I'm just hesitating because I am so afraid of change. I feel like "well if Miles isn't here, how will I pay the bills?" You know honestly - I will have so much more money without him. And yet I'm going to walk away from this knowing I won't say a word about this to him, I'll just keep waiting and trying to nudge him into being responsible. And then, at the end of the month, when he lets me down again, I'll call and terminate the lease and move out.
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