Disapointed

Today is supposed to be a happy day. It is miles and my one year anniversary. A year ago today we were at his apartment and I asked if we were a couple yet and he finally said yes.

But today is not happy. It's barely begun and I'm already crying. Miles refused to get up and go to work today, I told him if he loses his job I'm leaving him. I don't want to, I don't want to be put in that place. But I don't see any other way to make him realize we live in a house we can only afford on his salary. And I don't want to lose it before we've even unfinished packing. He thinks if he swears on the phone hell get fired and can collect unemployment. Like it's no big deal.

Ill leave him if he fucks me over again. This would be the second time. I don't love my job any more than he does but I keep going because I have to. Somebody has to be responsible around here. I feel like ill drop out of college one semester before graduating just to get a full time job and save our asses since he can't seem to do that.

I don't think I can emotionally handle losing this place.

But I've been growing so resentful towards miles... I hate myself for it, but I can't seem to stop.

Today was supposed to be a happy day, but now were fighting. An hour late for work I finally got him to get up and go out the door. He slammed it. I hate myself for thinking if he came home with flowers I'd forgive him. I know he won't, he never has. He never will.

So I'm sitting here crying, looking bleakly at the loss of my future life I planned with him. Unable to celebrate the joy of making it to a year, despite our ups and downs. Remorseful that this would be my 6th month pregnant if I hadn't lost the baby, but kind of glad since clearly miles is not stepping up as the potential father I thought him to be.

Amazing how somebody can change so much in a year that feels like it flew by so quickly.

Trouble sleeping

I can't seem to get to sleep tonight. I normally sleep to the sounds of the tv but miles complains so much about it I have the volume down to 3. As such I can't hear it enough. My mind keeps wandering, nothing to distract myself.

I find myself dwelling on those thoughts I most dread having, thinking of those last days with Garrett. I wonder why my mind always goes back to that. Why can't anything else be front and center? Why must I play it over and over again, as if I could do something different? Then I think of the good times when we first met. My heart breaks. I hate those memories more than anything. I hate thinking of that night I got so drunk and depressed my thoughts went to very dark places. When I felt so broken I didn't know what to do with myself and I spent the next few days laying there and crying.

Then I open my eyes and see the sleeping form of miles, his rumpled shirt and hair everywhere... I snuggle up tighter to him and wish he was awake and could let me think of something better. I only think about that stuff at night, when the tv isn't loud enough, when I can't run away from it anymore.

I like to think my life has really improved in a year, that I am much stronger. But really I think I'm still broken. I have a good man that tries his best to make me happy, who loves me and I love. But whatever broke that day, I don't think it ever fixed. I can trust again as well as I could before anyway, and no longer wake up every night to make sure miles is there, but something is certainly gone. I don't know what it is, I don't know how to get it back.

I know I am not the same girl that lived with jet and new how to laugh and have fun and be adventurous. I used to want to be out living all the time, now I am happy to hide in my house all day alone. I almost dread making plans to go do things now. I don't like it, but its where I am. How did I ever have the energy to go out every day before?

I wish I could sleep with the tv off, I wish I didn't think about such silly things when it is. I want to get some sleep.