Movin' in Movin' In

So yesterday I got to bring my dog home. She hasn't lived with me in months. I'm so happy to have her following me around the house again. I also took some pictures of our furniture placement.

We still need a bed, and sadly the blankets on my makeshift bed got pulled around everywhere so that picture isn't super awesome.

Leave and More Leaves

Trying to get all moved in is going SO SLOW. I am trying to occupy myself with yard work but being December it is often cold and rainy. Today the rain stopped though so I ran out and finished raking up the majority of the leaves. Now, if only I could get all of my friends to come over with a bag and pick up one pile of leaves I'd be mostly done!

Fat chance of that happening haha.

Here are some pictures of the backyard:

Trying to make a new start

I've been really depressed for some time now. I mean, like anyone, I have good and bad days. But when I sit around a lot and think, it tends to be a not so good day. My keys have found themselves locked in my car several times in the past month. I finally got a second key made.

In Miles and my effort to make a new start we, despite the will of my father, rented a home together. It's a beautiful home. It's a studio-house with a big back yard.

This is the fireplace, I've got my tv mount sitting on the floor where we intend to put the tv.

 Here's a view of the kitchen. It's got a few problems but I don't mind them so much :) The lady who owns the house painted the entrance way half purple and half red, it's certainly got character.

 This is the "bedroom." It has a walk in closet! The first in my life! I am really excited about it. :) I put up a poster of Dexter in there, he doesn't stare right out of it though, he stares into the corner, like there's a man lurking in there.

This is the only picture I have of the backyard. I have done a TON of raking since we started to move things in. I'm only 2/3 of the way done with 16 leaf piles so far.

Everyone keeps telling me that the backyard is going to be too much work for me. I'm just so excited about it though. I've never been so excited to rake leaves.

My father though, he is not quite as happy as I am to have moved out of his home and into my own. He initially acted out by not talking to me, but now he . . . kind of talks to me. I decided to spend the night at his house tonight to try and show that I'll still be coming over and spending time with him, but I don't think it's going well. In this moment I can feel myself becoming more and more depressed being here. I'm going to stick it out though.

We have a long way to go before we finish this house, I can see it all laid out in my mind. Miles and I think it will be a good place to really start growing together.

I will take more pictures as the apartment progresses. :)

Worst day of my life

I lost the baby

Just a thought

Never turn down a chance to have sex, if you put off having a passionate night together with your loved one, you never know what could come up the next day and keep you apart for weeks.

Heartbreaker

I just can't get past this terrible depression about the possibility I'm losing the baby. It's been my everything and my driving force to go on and my little ray of hope about my future and I'm losing it...

I hate that there is nothing I can do to stop it. It's been a week of bleeding and no signs of change. I just hate this, I want to stop crying. I want to believe all the positive people but I dont feel positive in my heart.

Miles said if I lose it we will try again but not anytime soon. I hate that I am selfish and don't want to wait, if I lose it I want to try again right away. But I want this one. I want this baby. If I have to try again, I am going to not go to the doctor until 12 weeks, I don't even want to tell anyone. I don't want to jynx it. My heart is just breaking.

Depression

It's turned red now with a constant ache and back pain. I don't know how much more praying I can do and tears I can hold back before I explode.

Never been so scared

Had my first morning sickness today, it reallllyyyyy sucks. Also having some spotting which is scaring the hell out of me.

I do not want to lose my baby. I don't know what Id do. Praying everything is fine.

Just doesn't stop

I love why?, their songs are so beautiful and sad. I enjoy listening to them because I can relate and they always manage to lift my spirit. I'm listening to by torpedo or chrones (something like that) and it makes me feel sad because I relate but at the same time it lifts my spirit and takes me away, like soaring into the sky. While I'm alive, ill feel alive.

My baby is going to be a why? Baby. A week before I knew about it I was at a why? Concert and every day of miles and my break I listened to them. Baby is gonna love them.

This post didn't publish so its now out of order D:

Been walking with a ghost

I don't know how miles and his friends do the same thing every day. Where'd my miles that likes doing things go? Maybe he was never real. I don't know. I just know I come over to be with him and its nice and everything but all we do is sit in a garage and people drink and smoke and talk about nothing. It's like being on Seinfeld.

Miles compared his friends playing guitar to the same thing as a Tegan and Sara concert. I just don't fit in, I don't know if I'm ever going to. Stressful, but I am trying not to think about it right now, I don't think I can afford to think about it right now.

In other news though, I am tired of going to the bathroom all the time. Watched way too much avatar the last airbender. And I got a cute hello kitty shirt that glows in the dark, I will only be able to wear it for another month probably lol.

Remember me I'm the one who loves you

So I've had nothing to do all day, I did go to Walmart and bought a giant sweater to burrow in. It's big enough to keep me warm even when I'm a balloon.

I find though that I really miss my best friend. I dream that if she lived here shed be over all the time to keep me company and we would go on a million adventures. Sadly she lives in California and cannot come over. So I spent my Saturday doing bum diddl as my few friends were super busy.

I miss miles. It wouldn't be so hard , living apart, if he talked to me or called me when he had time. I got to see him yesterday, so today I find I want to cry since I can't be near him as he's off doing his own thing with his roommates. I find, I wish I had roommates. I am anxious to live with him again, to start working on our nursery, to make everything feel more real.

I'll get there, I'm just excited.

Side note, I got the coolest chair ever today.

The Whole Purpose, is Family

So tomorrow, my best guess, is that I will be 6 weeks a long. The Doctor Appointment to go see the baby feels like a hundred years away. October 4, get here faster.

My baby application this week, asked how I feel about things. I wrote nervous and excited. Really though, I am roller coaster of indecision on how I feel. I am excited, I have wanted this for a long time. I am also, terrified out of my mind. I'm scared with all the usual worries, will the baby be ok? What if something goes wrong? Will I be a good mother? Will Miles be a good father? But from there it goes into. . . Will we still be together? Am I going to be a single mother? How will I make it? And then from there it goes into. . . What if I lose the baby? What if the doctor tells me I can't have it? What if I don't make it? What if Miles has to be a single father?

But then, I look down, and I smile. I am making a person, I have a chance to give someone else a chance to do something great with their life. And I know I am going to strive every day to keep the baby in the best way possible. Including, despite the argument with my mother, not eating deli meats.

The movie Where the Heart Is, if she can make it, I can make it. She didn't shed a tear when she was suddenly left with nothing, and I will do my best not to as well. Although quite frankly, I cry all the time.

I still try though, not to look at the baby items in the store. I don't think I could handle it, if I looked at them yet and still lost the baby.

I have so much love to give, I am going to love this baby with all my heart no matter. Especially no matter what the doctor tells me. I can't give up on it, I have found my purpose.