So tomorrow, my best guess, is that I will be 6 weeks a long. The Doctor Appointment to go see the baby feels like a hundred years away. October 4, get here faster.
My baby application this week, asked how I feel about things. I wrote nervous and excited. Really though, I am roller coaster of indecision on how I feel. I am excited, I have wanted this for a long time. I am also, terrified out of my mind. I'm scared with all the usual worries, will the baby be ok? What if something goes wrong? Will I be a good mother? Will Miles be a good father? But from there it goes into. . . Will we still be together? Am I going to be a single mother? How will I make it? And then from there it goes into. . . What if I lose the baby? What if the doctor tells me I can't have it? What if I don't make it? What if Miles has to be a single father?
But then, I look down, and I smile. I am making a person, I have a chance to give someone else a chance to do something great with their life. And I know I am going to strive every day to keep the baby in the best way possible. Including, despite the argument with my mother, not eating deli meats.
The movie Where the Heart Is, if she can make it, I can make it. She didn't shed a tear when she was suddenly left with nothing, and I will do my best not to as well. Although quite frankly, I cry all the time.
I still try though, not to look at the baby items in the store. I don't think I could handle it, if I looked at them yet and still lost the baby.
I have so much love to give, I am going to love this baby with all my heart no matter. Especially no matter what the doctor tells me. I can't give up on it, I have found my purpose.
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