Kitty Ear Bells

SO!!!!

I have moved to Portland! I now work at a gas station!

The job is . . . a job. I always wondered what it would be like to work at a gas station, now I know it's alright. The day shifts are fine, the homeless come in and tell me how pretty I am and buy beer progressively throughout the day. We have to keep a little tally of each one's name and how many they've purchased so we know when to cut them off. The night shift though is the worst. More things get shoplifted and more people try to pull fast ones on ya and make a big mess of your store when you're trying to get it cleaned up for closing time. So all in all, it's alright.

Otherwise I am living with a fellow named Brady. He's pretty swell. We get along great and I now think of him as one of my very best friends. We spend our days playing video games, shooting the shit and occasionally going out to see what is happening in Portland. Living in the single life~

Jonathan moved here shortly after I did . . . so there is that.He has since broken up with Betsy. I didn't ask for details. All of my bridges really got burned there since he never paid me any of the money he said he would back and has in no way helped me. I tried to hang out with him once here but I ended up giving him more money and didn't get that back either. There's my eternal life lesson for me there huh.

So anyway, now I'm doing the single thing and hanging out with my new best-bud and his cats. Once I get out of this little rut thing I'm in here I'm sure I'll start making more friends!

Although. Mom wants me to move back to Idaho and take over her house. Brady is interested in coming there with me but only for six months or so. My tarot cards said this is generally a bad idea for me but also that if I don't go I will be a failure and have a loss of honor with my family for not doing "the right thing."

Ho-----hum.

Going home to the west coast

Things have not been so good.

Are they ever?

I never seem to write in this thing when they are.

I have realized I love and have loved Jonathan more than anyone I've known. It's the kind of love that even though he does not love me, I can't stop feeling this way for him. Even though he now tells me about the girl he is in love with, (I wasn't asking him to do that I was just asking him to be honest with me about when hes with her, and to stop saying "a friend"), I will sit there and listen and be supportive even though each word is a dagger in my heart because I still love him. I feel like I will never be good enough, but to be in his company is more joy than I can express. Even when it hurts.

I just, I just want my life back. I want to go back in time to before all of this and just have one more day . . . one more day where he was so happy to see me. One more day where he held my hand and kissed me and wanted me to share the seat with him. One more day where when he looked at me his eyes sparkled and he seemed so happy. Man here I am crying again. I think I have cried every day about this. At some point it overwhelms me and I start crying. Everyone else in the world has lost their flavor. I can't imagine myself with anybody but him and knowing he will never be mine again . . . I just don't want to even try anymore. I just notice every flaw, every disgusting thing about anyone else I even try to consider going on a date with anymore.

I am moving to Portland, moving there to get away. But also for myself. Hopefully I can get my head on a little bit straighter, hopefully I can find some joy in life again that is apart from him. He said he might follow me in a few months. I guess I could hope I meant enough to him for him to do that. I won't lie, my mind has a fantasy that I will leave and he will realize what he lost and come for me. I know that won't happen, I'm not stupid. That's the hopeless romantic in me swooning. No, I am moving to Portland for me. I'm terrified but I want to try it. I want to try to have the life I saw the last two times I went there. The one I have pictured for myself as what it would take to be happy again. I want to make new friends and have new experiences and I want to do them for myself for a change. Granted, if Jonathan did run after me I would probably explode in jubilation. But when he doesn't, when he stays here and keeps torturing himself over Betsie as I torture myself over him, I will learn to grow as an independent and not have my familiar bad habit fall backs. I'll just feel like my own person at last. I hope anyway.

Confuddling

Well here I am again, living in the Morris Hill apartments. Number 11 this time, the view outside my window is of number 6. Every time I walk outside I get a little wave of emotions and memories. I find myself constantly wondering who lives there now, what their life is like. I never see them.

#11 has no furniture. I've been sleeping on my mattress pad on the floor, no chairs or anything to sit on. I could move things in sure, but Jonathan seems reluctant to let me. When we moved in at first he was like ya! And then he started going through something, debating if he wants to be with me or on his own or even if I should live here with him. I don't know which of those it is for certain, he's the worst at talking to me. So we sit in here with no furniture.

Sometimes I still find myself crying. Stupid heart. It's fallen for him but it's not returned, I wish it was, it was once maybe. He took a trip for a month with this other girl that he's known a very long time. He told me about it the very first thing we ever talked about, I couldn't say I wanted him to stay. While he was gone he texted me "i want to come home, home is where you are." I get weepy when I see that text in my phone now. I saved it.

He has an amazing daughter, she's so beautiful and funny and smart. I have come to really care about her. Jonathan has introduced me to so much of his life, always thinking he hasn't told me that much but I feel like I can paint a pretty good picture of his life and his friends and what he's been through to an extent in my head. I wonder how much he knows about me? Maybe he thinks the same thing.

He's so different and amazing, I want this to work out so much. I want to see him smile and thrilled to see me. I miss when we'd go out and he had to introduce me to everyone. He'd tell everyone what a sweetheart I was, complete strangers. I've never had that before. It's wonderful. Less of that now, doesn't take my picture or anything, it's kind of sad but I am just being selfish in my desires. I get a smidge jealous when he takes pictures of everyone in the room except for me. I wish I didn't. Arggg.

I'm a paperback book, with worn edges and torn pages. I put myself in his hands, despite all the drama and negativity in his life, I am here for him because I don't think I have ever cared for someone or so completely enjoyed somebodies company like his. Hope --- hope is everything. It makes the world go around, I hope that one day he enjoys my company like I do his. it's still new in the relationship, it's a totally different kind of relationship for me. I am growing as a person from this and am learning new ways to behave. Adding new pages to my torn binding. Despite the down feelings I sometimes have, I have never been so happy.

Make the Girl Dance

Breezy,
all this love that you give away,
just once, wouldn't you like
to have it returned?

would you mind very much
if I love you?
I just would like to be able
to say the words once in a while.

Don't you ever
want to be loved back?

I thought I was.

Hello, my love.

Hello, my life.

You know what?
I think I might love you
till the day I die.

I don't know. If we're lucky,
we might last a year.

Clumsy

Stupid first pangs of infatuation. I've met someone, I was going along fine when I thought he only wanted to be friends. But I have this . . . just intense attraction to him, I can't explain it. I've more or less confessed this to him - but he kind of avoided answering in return, although implied he might be interested too! I hope so.

I can't stop thinking about him, and I feel heartsick about the whole thing. Blarg!

Bask falcons

Nothing in this life is supposed to go well for me I think. For the first time in awhile I'm really happy and excited about something, so naturally I sit around stressing and reeling in panic attacks that something is wrong. Just like that I've made a big fool of myself or something. I dispair about it so much during the day my chest hurts and I get all wheezy and then I go and lock my keys in the car!

Then I find out things are cool and chill as all that worry was over nothing and then I sob because why can't I just be happy?! I'm trying to be, trying so hard to be cool 8l

I'm going to hit my head into my desk a few times now and slide under it for comfort!

"I never knew loneliness until I met you. The pain of being alone, the fear of losing you."

Blah

I'm so sad. :(