Going home to the west coast

Things have not been so good.

Are they ever?

I never seem to write in this thing when they are.

I have realized I love and have loved Jonathan more than anyone I've known. It's the kind of love that even though he does not love me, I can't stop feeling this way for him. Even though he now tells me about the girl he is in love with, (I wasn't asking him to do that I was just asking him to be honest with me about when hes with her, and to stop saying "a friend"), I will sit there and listen and be supportive even though each word is a dagger in my heart because I still love him. I feel like I will never be good enough, but to be in his company is more joy than I can express. Even when it hurts.

I just, I just want my life back. I want to go back in time to before all of this and just have one more day . . . one more day where he was so happy to see me. One more day where he held my hand and kissed me and wanted me to share the seat with him. One more day where when he looked at me his eyes sparkled and he seemed so happy. Man here I am crying again. I think I have cried every day about this. At some point it overwhelms me and I start crying. Everyone else in the world has lost their flavor. I can't imagine myself with anybody but him and knowing he will never be mine again . . . I just don't want to even try anymore. I just notice every flaw, every disgusting thing about anyone else I even try to consider going on a date with anymore.

I am moving to Portland, moving there to get away. But also for myself. Hopefully I can get my head on a little bit straighter, hopefully I can find some joy in life again that is apart from him. He said he might follow me in a few months. I guess I could hope I meant enough to him for him to do that. I won't lie, my mind has a fantasy that I will leave and he will realize what he lost and come for me. I know that won't happen, I'm not stupid. That's the hopeless romantic in me swooning. No, I am moving to Portland for me. I'm terrified but I want to try it. I want to try to have the life I saw the last two times I went there. The one I have pictured for myself as what it would take to be happy again. I want to make new friends and have new experiences and I want to do them for myself for a change. Granted, if Jonathan did run after me I would probably explode in jubilation. But when he doesn't, when he stays here and keeps torturing himself over Betsie as I torture myself over him, I will learn to grow as an independent and not have my familiar bad habit fall backs. I'll just feel like my own person at last. I hope anyway.