Rain

I left miles today. I couldn't take how he made me feel. He blew me off all day, made no move to find a new job... Just dicked off with his friends like every other day. I left at one point to get my wallet and when I got back home, he just ignored me and didnt care about my feelings. His friends were still more important- he was skyping them.

I guess all the emotions I've been suppressing welled up and I lost my cool.  The anger I have suppressed flew and I took duchess (who he lied about taking out to pee) and got in the car and left. Now it's 1am and I can't sleep and really... I just want to go home. If he would say anything to me we would talk and hopefully I could go home but he's ignored me- ignored that I left- and is most likely just playing his game with his friends. I guess breaking up was the only real option then. 

It's so hard to do. I planned my life with him and he just took me for granted. Put drugs and video games ahead of me. I long to go home and to sleep in my own bed but every time the depression rears up and I think about things a thread of anger seeps in and I stay here. Laying on my moms bed with my dog at my feet- praying for sleep but unable. Checking my phone constantly.

My heart says it is over, my heart says he's already moved on. Or never cared.

Hard knocks

It's tough listening to your bf tell you that you don't have any friends. No I don't see mine very often but I do have people I consider to be my friends. My best friend, is him. The person I want to spend most of my time with. I am content and happy to spend my evenings at home with miles - not doing anything too important. But his best friend says "come over" and he jumps through hoops to get there. He goes to that guys house every single day unless I beg him to spend time with me. 

I'm at a point in my life where I don't need to have a friend around all the time to be comfortable with myself. I'm happy to see my friends now and then but otherwise I am content and happy to spend the rest of my time alone or with miles. I think he should be worried if I didn't ever want to be home with him because I was preferring the company of others on a daily basis. Sometimes I get spiteful and think about doing that just to see if he even notices.i honestly don't think he would. He's my boyfriend you know, I feel like he should want to see me more than he would his friends. If he only wants to spend time with me once a week or so - what are we doing dating?? 

I'm not saying I want him around ALL the time. I just want to feel like its not a competition between Beau and myself for Miles attention. He didn't believe me when I told him he goes over there 6 out of 7 days a week. I am going to start making a log. He wonders why I get angry he's not looking for jobs- how can he when he's oggling Beau Every day? He told me I could go over with him but then when I did- he told me I just embarrassed him the whole time. Sorry miles, I did not mean to interrupt your time with your boyfriend. (Sorry I am being spiteful).

Anyway the point was. Miles is my friend who I tend to want to spend my time with. He is my Beau. But Miles spends time with me only because he is obligated to so that I don't break up with him (his words not mine. He said them during a fight one time.)

But I don't even like spending time with miles anymore. He is boring. He stays home and plays eve or Starcraft with beau and never asks what we should do together. Never asks me to go to the park, never asks to watch a movie together or to go hiking or anything! If we're going to do something together, I have to thjnk it up and then wait for his "mission" with beau to be over. 

So I guess my relationship is more like one of roommates. Miles is my roommate who I have a crush on and will admire from afar while he is a single man hanging out with his bros. 

I guess I do need to find a friend who will spend every day with me so I have something to do besides another persons laundry and going to work. 

I shouldn't have to beg miles to spend the weekend with me instead of his friend. It's stupid. 

Sometimes

Running away sounds better than facing your problems, simply because you don't know how too.