Confuddling

Well here I am again, living in the Morris Hill apartments. Number 11 this time, the view outside my window is of number 6. Every time I walk outside I get a little wave of emotions and memories. I find myself constantly wondering who lives there now, what their life is like. I never see them.

#11 has no furniture. I've been sleeping on my mattress pad on the floor, no chairs or anything to sit on. I could move things in sure, but Jonathan seems reluctant to let me. When we moved in at first he was like ya! And then he started going through something, debating if he wants to be with me or on his own or even if I should live here with him. I don't know which of those it is for certain, he's the worst at talking to me. So we sit in here with no furniture.

Sometimes I still find myself crying. Stupid heart. It's fallen for him but it's not returned, I wish it was, it was once maybe. He took a trip for a month with this other girl that he's known a very long time. He told me about it the very first thing we ever talked about, I couldn't say I wanted him to stay. While he was gone he texted me "i want to come home, home is where you are." I get weepy when I see that text in my phone now. I saved it.

He has an amazing daughter, she's so beautiful and funny and smart. I have come to really care about her. Jonathan has introduced me to so much of his life, always thinking he hasn't told me that much but I feel like I can paint a pretty good picture of his life and his friends and what he's been through to an extent in my head. I wonder how much he knows about me? Maybe he thinks the same thing.

He's so different and amazing, I want this to work out so much. I want to see him smile and thrilled to see me. I miss when we'd go out and he had to introduce me to everyone. He'd tell everyone what a sweetheart I was, complete strangers. I've never had that before. It's wonderful. Less of that now, doesn't take my picture or anything, it's kind of sad but I am just being selfish in my desires. I get a smidge jealous when he takes pictures of everyone in the room except for me. I wish I didn't. Arggg.

I'm a paperback book, with worn edges and torn pages. I put myself in his hands, despite all the drama and negativity in his life, I am here for him because I don't think I have ever cared for someone or so completely enjoyed somebodies company like his. Hope --- hope is everything. It makes the world go around, I hope that one day he enjoys my company like I do his. it's still new in the relationship, it's a totally different kind of relationship for me. I am growing as a person from this and am learning new ways to behave. Adding new pages to my torn binding. Despite the down feelings I sometimes have, I have never been so happy.

Make the Girl Dance

Breezy,
all this love that you give away,
just once, wouldn't you like
to have it returned?

would you mind very much
if I love you?
I just would like to be able
to say the words once in a while.

Don't you ever
want to be loved back?

I thought I was.

Hello, my love.

Hello, my life.

You know what?
I think I might love you
till the day I die.

I don't know. If we're lucky,
we might last a year.